Joke thread....

[Stuart]

Ok i'll start....

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on

board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and

the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.

He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an

Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where are you going?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the

driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck

and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a

good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the

motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him

down again.

"What the F**k are you playing at?," he fumes, "I told you to take them to

Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there's still fifty quid left so

now we're going to Alton Towers."

[Sara]

That's terrible Stuart

Two flies sitting on a dog pooh, one fly turns to the other and says,
"Hi mate, haven't seen you around for a while"
the other replies..
"Nah, I've been on the sick!"

[Stuart]

ewwwww thats much worse!

[Sara]

I thought that one was far funnier...

Got anymore???

[Stuart]

Here's a few footy ones' I got them off another site...

In the 2000/2001 game against Chelsea David Beckham ran up to George Weah after 5 minutes play and shouted "QUIET". After another few minutes he again ran up to Weah but this time shouted "I'VE GOT YOUR BOOKS AND YOUR NOT GETTING THEM BACK" this carried on at regular intervals throughout the first half. At half-time Alex Ferguson called Beckham over to a corner of the dressing room and asked him to explain why he kept shouting at Weah. After listening to Beckhams explanation Alex Ferguson calmly replied "No son I said he was a Liberian".


Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

What does James Beattie do after Everton beat Liverpool?
...Turn off his playstation!


steve bruce signs a new superkid from foreign parts. on the first day of training. steve bruce gets a ball a says "you get this and kick it at the goal" the new superkid looks a bit bewildered but carries on nonetheless. next day of training same thing steve bruce says "you get this and score a goal". again the kid looks bewildered but carries on. third day same thing "you get this and score a goal". finally the foreign superkid gets up and says "boss i speak a very good english and know what to to". steve bruce says "sit down son im talking to Heskey"!


Newsflash; a fire started at Goddison park in the early hours of this morning. Fire chief on the scene immediately telephoned David Moyes to inform him of the situation. Moyes replied 'Save the cups man, save the cups'. 'Dont worry sir, the fire hasnt spread to the kitchen'


You're trapped in a room with a Grizzly Bear, a deadly Rattlesnake, and an Man Utd Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the Man United Fan. Twice.


Goodison Park was broken into last night and the contents of the trophy room were taken...... police are looking for 2 men with a blue carpet...

Playtex are bringing out a new bra called " The Everton". It's got no support and no cups

Morning in steve Bruce's house hold:
Steve Bruce's wife shouts " STEVE..STEVE....ITS 8"
to which he replys "oh no they scored another"


What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Chelsea fan in the road?
Skid marks in front of the dog.


I saw Wayne Rooney wearing a T shirt with "guess" written on it.
I said "Thyroid problem?"


How many Everton fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they're all happy living in our shadow.

Gary and Phil Neville were in a pub garden with their dog, enjoying a beer when a man walks of the pub, goes up to their dog, lifts up his tail and looks at his behind for a bit, then walks off home. Phil and Gary thought it was really wierd but though nothing of it and carried on drinking. About a minute later another man did the same thing, he even felt around with his hand, and then he staggered off. When a third man did this, about five minutes later, Gary says "Oi, why is everyone lifting up my dogs tail and looking at his bum for?"
The man replies "There is a guy in the pub who told me there is a dog in the garden with two arseholes"



David Beckham calls Sven a couple of days before a big game and says, "Coach, I'm having this problem"
"Yes?", asks Sven.
"Victoria bought a new puzzle and I just can't sort it out. it's really bothering me and I dont know if I will have my mind in the game if I dont figure it out before Saturday"
"What's the problem with it?", Sven asks.
"It has a chicken on the box but the pieces just dont fit. I tell you coach, I need to have it figured it out before SAturday's game if i'll be any good"
So Sven upon hearing this, promptly answers, "I'm on my way to your place and we will have a go at it"
A little later, Sven enters Beckham's kitchen and walks into the kitchen where Beckham is leaning over said puzzle.
He takes one look at it, and says, "David, put the dammed Cornflakes back in the box"


David Beckham fell off a horse in Madrid today,snagging his foot in one of the stirrups.
The screams of his Wife,Victoria,were heard by the shop owner,who came out and switched the ride off.

Wayne Rooney get's chased through Mcdonalds by 15 reds and get's beat up...
a witness was asked why he didn't help..
'to be honest...i thought 15 was enough'

[Sara]

funny how I've heard most of them before but they were all anti-ipswich jokes